Wretch

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”  2 Corinthians 4: 8-9

I feel emotionally shredded, mashed, and smashed, like a thumb being repeatedly crushed under a hammer. For the last year, it has seemed that at every new page, just when we thought we were getting ahead or finally being afforded a little rest, some new struggle reared its ugly head. I know we are to be anxious for nothing. I know God is in control.

More than a thumb, tonight I feel like a wretch, grasping at the hem of Christ’s garment, begging to feel his arms around me, begging for direction and wisdom and peace. I am weary, and I would like my green pastures and still waters now. I would like, just once, for something other than giving up to be easy. I would like Him to be back on earth with me tonight, rocking me to sleep, whispering his truth to me.

I am writing tonight to ask for your prayers. We are in a volatile place right now. More specifically, I am in a volatile place.  I feel, in this very hour, in this very room, as I write this, that I am in the midst of deep spiritual warfare. I know we are being called to something so far greater than ourselves, and Satan must know it too because he is trying to throw roadblocks up all over the place as we prepare for our move to California. Please pray with me tonight, and in the coming days- I need you, Church.

Above all, please pray with us that we would remain open to God’s guidance. This last year had brought me to a place where I have had to lay down my preconceived notions of what my life should be, what my husband and marriage should be like, and what our ministry should look like. I still fail often (daily, even hourly), but God has finally brought me to a place where I realize that I am not moving to California for any reason beyond the fact that I am called to lay down my life daily, being always bound to the Holy Spirit, going where he leads. California use to be about adventure, about starting a new life, hopefully a new career, about being young and going now while we can, because we can. If those things happen now, that’s great, but they are no longer my motivations. I’m going because of Christ. If he calls us there for six weeks and then calls us somewhere else, so be it. If he calls us there for six years and we are dirt poor the whole time and he never provides a career for either of us but we are in his will, so be it. If I die in the slums of LA witnessing to the least of these 60 years from now or six days from now because that is His plan, so be it. I don’t want adventure or financial security or the suburban house, white picket fence and 2.5 kids. I want the will of God in my life. I want it today, tomorrow, this minute, and every minute I am granted. I want it with my family and friends, but I will walk the narrow road alone if none will go with me. I am still, day by day, hour by hour, struggling to lay my hopes and dreams at the feet of Jesus and pick up his cross instead, but, because he is making me a new creature, bearing his cross on my back is my greatest desire. I want his portion to be my portion. I want to stop talking about faith and actually know what it means. I want to get dirty in the grittiness of truth. I’m tired of easy Christianity. I want Christ.

We, however, battle not against flesh and blood but unseen principalities and powers, and they make life so foggy. They bring doubt, depression, discouragement, worry, feelings of isolation and the ever dangerous self-sufficiency and pride. I sense these monsters lurking in our shadows, simmering around the edges waiting to pounce when we are weak. Pray with me as I pray against them. I know that as we battle, we also entertain angels- pray that we would be ever aware of Gods presence and provision in our lives, and that we will always be thankful and never take him for granted. Pray that we would be granted wisdom to discern his perfect will for our family. Pray that we will be strong in Christ and both bold and child-like in faith. Pray that all doubt and anxiety would be replaced with peace and joy. Pray that we will be humble and pure at heart. Pray that His will is done no matter the cost.

Pray that we see Christ.